790 Days without you

As I sit down to write after long, the first thing that I want to express is how your presence is felt so strong. Not just me, but everyone around who thinks about you every single day. We all feel your presence guiding us in each step, really strong. Even if your physical presence is missing,  you are taking care of us and giving us that strength. The power of living each day and living every moment even when there is a void that can never be fulfilled. The capacity of understanding that there can be no tomorrow, and at the same time hoping for one. The belief that everything is temporary in this forever world.

The realization that we can lose the most important people in our life, and most importantly we could be the ones bidding goodbye. The latter part is denied by the majority of us. It is the same feeling that I always had when I visited the Pashupatinath temple. As a kid until 14th January 2017, I always saw many people at the Ghat, and never thought that I would be standing there. That is exactly what happened when I could do nothing but just be there for my Popsy. I just wanted to be there till the last, with him, trying to tell him that we were together in this and we still are. It is a strange feeling that hurts but I still want to remember because it was the last time that we saw you. We can never be prepared, but we can accept that the number of breath that we have in our life is destined and nothing can change that. Nothing can change the way we leave this world- be it by suffering from a disease, trying to breathe or a silent death. It will still hurt and there will be no healing, neither time nor change. When I see people wanting to leave this world, because they are very sick, I pacify myself, that you were at your favorite place, when you left us and healthy.

This chapter is that learning of life that can only be understood when one experiences it. But, I did not want to understand and learn all of this on the cost of losing you. I still want to try calling in the number which has been given to someone else, I still want to send those random messages calling you for the pasta treat, even if it wasn’t your favorite, I still want to play badminton in the garden. I still want to ask for permissions to travel and do the research for the ticket prices for the nth time. I know I will always be your big girl, but I still want to get pampered from you. I miss you.

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