It’s been four years since I have been writing, and something which started as penning down in a diary, made me get a domain for myself:- shikhabahety.com. It has been a great ride since then and I have loved writing. It helps me express, emote and when I think about it, I would suggest each one to get in the practice of writing. There is nothing better than words. I have written about random topics, about conversations that I have with a friend, about things that I bypass every day, the new places that I have explored, basically anything and everything.

Writing has always given me strength, power and inner peace. I have been writing every single day since a week, and I feel so much lighter. The day I don’t write I think that I am missing something from my daily routine. There is so much to write about, every situation can be made into a writing topic. It’s the discipline that one needs to have to be writing continuously. Since last year, I have been procrastinating to write many a times and this has resulted in pile of subjects to write about. I wish I had written at that time because whenever the thought gets old, the essence of writing is not the same.

Writing is never a onetime expression. I love reading my previous writings and I smile on the words and the different incidents and state that made me write. It gives in fond memories and also makes one proud when there is thousands of viewership of the article which gets published in national dailies. There are different sets of writers. Some who write for themselves and do not want to publish what is in their mind, while some do not mind if others read their blogs. It is more of sharing an experience and reflection of what they think and who they are. There are many who are very precise while they write and there are many who use very tough language which makes it hard for the reader.

I feel a piece should be the one which when read by the reader feels like a story that one can relate to, should be one that one is wanting to write themselves but do not have exact description or words, one that is inspirational to read. Writing is so beautiful that connects one with thousands of people and makes them relive or experience what one has been going through. Writing is so strong that can change one’s perception on and about writing itself and make people scribble their hearts out.

The moment you make me feel,
That he is gone for real,
The moment you ask me where,
I try to search him in despair.

I know I will never see him again,
I know he will never hear me sing,
I know he is right here next to me,
I know he is holding my hand to see.

The times that I have stood with a brave face,
And tried solving each case from the base,
I am trying to be like you were,
The problem is you were so rare.

There is no moving on,
Cause time does no healing,
I am not ready to make memories,
Cause you will always be my happiness key.

I have recently been taking rounds of the hospital. This article that I am writing at the moment is from the visitor’s room, talking about how odd the aura of a hospital can be and how the mood of the hospital changes on passage of time. With this I meant how empty the premises of the hospital are in the mornings and evenings as compared to afternoons. Let’s start with a little description about my experience with the hospitals. I have been blessed with good health till date, which has kept my appointment with hospitals very less. As far as I remember, my family never rushed to the hospital if any one of us had slight pain. This can be taken as a situation of both boon and bane. The former because it made us strong and we knew that our body gets tired; we need not panic for the smallest wounds as it will heal. The latter because we might not realize how this small injury is turning out to be something worse that we never imagined.

Entering a hospital makes one wonder about how people are suffering from different types of diseases and there is so much that can happen in a human body. The anxious relatives wanting to know what exactly is the problem of their loved one, the round of doctors and their busy-ness , the need of immediate supply of medicines and their search on it, the monetary aspect once admitted, the decision that needs to be taken in a fraction of second, the forms that need to be filled and filed before admission, these are the normal aspect happening at hospitals every single day. The people coming in and going out are uncountable in hospitals. The afternoon rush made me observe the helplessness of individuals. During the wait for five minutes outside the hospital, I was confused on how would the additional people who have been getting inside the hospital premises equip themselves. I could see the response of individuals while they were being asked to pay the parking fees. They had thousands of things running in their mind and this must be on the lowest priority.

It is annoying to see ambulances stuck in traffic jam and equally infuriating how emergencies do not have a quick response at some of the hospitals. Many sections of the hospital are very less prepared in the capital of Nepal, Kathmandu. For example there isn’t any bell for a call at the Heart Command Centre at Norvic. How do we expect a patient to call out for help when they are on the patient bed? Similarly, the reception at Venus Hospital has sleeping staff at six in the morning while they have a board which mentions “24 hour Emergency”. It is amusing how hospitals have become business houses, but to think about it, why should it not. It is weird for us to be paying parking fees when there are hundreds of thoughts in mind. The doctor’s duty is twenty four hours, and they hardly have any family life. It is very hard for this profession to balance it all.

I understand there are infinite numbers of requests, and there are endless questions that a person might have while they are at the hospital desk, or during one on one discussion with the doctor. These are viable queries that they would have and reasons for the same that they would want to know. This is for their loved one or else they would not have been wasting their time and being bothersome. There is no end to this discussion.
I so wish there was a residential doctor in a family; in the same manner how we appoint helpers, gatekeepers or there should be a family member who is a doctor. As I write this, my new dream is to make a hospital for lesser fortunate where people do not have to fill forms and get the necessary treatment in a very subsidized rate.

Since I have been hearing a lot of discourse from various family members and listening to The Bhagwat Geeta, there are many learning’s and enlightenment that is happening every day in my life. It does try to give answers to questions that I have been enquiring about life and death, why the structure of this universe strange, which connects individuals when they have to disconnect by the end. Why does God call all the good people so soon, what is the ultimate goal of a human, how the body that we are living is not ours and how the soul stays eternal which takes form in different bodies? How is one eligible for Mokshya in their life and why does something like this happen to a person who is composed, and has always been a part of good Karma? Why do we believe that life is in our hands, while we are mere puppets? How do I see the positive side of this time, when there is none?

In The Bhagwat Geeta, there are many other questions that Arjuna has and how Lord Krishna sums up all of this and patiently answers all the questions of Arjuna. All of it makes us understand life better, but we as humans have that nature on getting back to the same feeling and finding the unknown. We realize on what’s happening around us yet are ignorant. I won’t blame humans as we are left to live in this world to eat, pray and love.

I still try to reason out lot of things and might do that throughout my life. I still want to know more even if it gets complicated to comprehend or there might not be an answer to my questions. I do not know till when will this feeling be there nor do I suppose that time will heal this because there is no healing in this situation. While I discuss this with my friend he asks me one question which is “Were you ever curious about this topic and had these questions anytime else during your life”?

To this I am amazed and I ask myself how these questions popped up one after the other while something so unexpected happened in my life. These were never spoken about or discussed on. I had spoken to my dad the previous night and the next morning he was no more. We all know that with birth comes death, but this incident did not leave any time for each one of us to process. I had never fought for anything with God until last week. As I write this I get a text from my cousin who says “Before you start hunting answers to the questions, think about it, what happens when you get the answers, nothing changes apart from the fact, that there is an increase in your satisfaction level. The more you focus on the “Why’s” the more pain you will feel”

I so wished this day of the week (Saturday) would not come again. It’s been a week that I haven’t seen my dad. I did not want to re-picture that day which has already been seven days when it all happened. The morning call from the gate keeper when we rushed to the garden, the hospital, and then getting the news from the doctor that Papa is no more still makes my heart cry. The evenings when we were standing in the ghats on Pashupatinath is etched in my mind.

Every day I feel different, in fact each moment there are varied gush of emotions. I feel his presence so strong knowing that I will never be able to see the physical him, and sometimes I want to deny that he is no more. I know for the fact that he is giving me the strength to express my feelings through words, and the next moment I remember how he would read my published articles that always made him smile. I don’t want to think how it is going to be in our everyday routine when everyone will get back to their own destinations. I do not want to accept that I will never get a call from that one number that is stored in our minds and heart. I do not want to believe that there will be no mails shared to an email address that was on top of my list for anything and everything.

I know that I need to accept the uncertainty of life and take up his responsibilities. I know there are many qualities of his that needs to be adopted and followed. I know he has left us with many memories of his which are uncountable. I know he wants us to be the connector of the family, and take care of everyone. With knowing all of this, I still feel that he is just out for some work and will be back in no time.

I meet so many people throughout the day and they tell me how much love and respect they have for my dad. I listen to them and nod but I still wonder and question the reality on why are they telling me this? I marvel why relatives are flying from all around the world and the aura around the house is full of grief. It strikes me then that all of this is not a dream even if I wish it was. It makes me realize that I am blessed to be his daughter.

My heart knows that dad wanted to say so many things to each one of us. He must have had so many emotions that he wanted to share, before he bid us goodbye forever. I know he will always be around us and forever sounds incorrect, but that is what the truth of life has shown us in the most unpredictable manner. Each one of us remembers him with the fondest of memories; every person that he knew and got connected has a sense of admiration for who he was, what he believed and how he lived his quality life. Here I am trying to write what he would have wanted to say to all the ones who have been left behind.

“I know it has been really really hard for you, so has been for me. I didn’t want to leave my memories, when I could add much more reminisces in your life. He chose me to make you what you are today, see how strong you can be in life, to understand that the circle of life and death needs to be understood by each one of us, and the ultimate goal that each one of us have in life needs to be changed. There is more to life than we actually think it is. I know that my daughters are going to take extra care of the family as I am there to guide them in each step of their lives. They are going to be the connector of the family as I was. I know that my dad will miss me during his lunches and morning tea but I am sure the others will just be next to him as I am. I know all my brothers and sisters are holding themselves up and trying to be strong as I would have in their place. I know the garden will have changes as my love for gardening is never going to wash away. I know that the evening and morning walks will happen as I am always around. I am in the hearts of each one you, and I am right here when you need to connect, it’s just that I can no more be seen. I know it was too soon, and very quick, and I wish I could do something about it. If it were in our hands, I would tell everyone to take good care of them, as I told Surya for the cows. Ultimately, I know my void will always be felt, but I am around giving everyone the power they need”

I have walked around the banks of Bagmati couple of times. These have usually been for the early morning events for KTM Drive. Each time I pass through Aaryaghat I have this weird feeling from inside and those result to lot of thoughts specially debating about death in my mind. The sight itself is very painful when families bid their farewell to their dearest. It has gotten me standing opposite the banks for a while questioning God about how unfair it is for the nearest ones who are left behind.

Little did I know I would be at the same spot after some years complying whatever was told to me by people around. I was merely a pawn then and it was my decision. I wanted to carry the last rites of my father. I did not know if it was only allowed for sons to be doing it; neither did I know what is supposed to be done. I only knew that I wanted to be with my dad till his last physical moment.

I still remember each detail on what happened a week back. I remember how I sat next to him in the house, spoke to him and wished he would get up, smile and tell me it was all a dream, wrote a post it for him wanting him to come back from wherever he was since it was long that he spoke to me. I remember how we took him to Pashupati from the house where hundreds of people were standing. I remember how I never wanted to reach there. I wanted to talk to him for a little more, I wanted him to look at me one last time and say everything will be alright; I wanted the time to rewind. It taught me the difference between “WANTING TO DO” and “ACTUAL DOING”.

As we reached Pashupatinath, we took him to the banks of Aryaghat, and we washed his feet. I did not want to let him go; I wasn’t ready for what was next neither was he. The last rites was about to begin, and there I was standing amongst so many people with my brother trying to understand the reality of life and wondering if there was someone like me who has been looking from across the banks and has the same questions that I once had.

I did not want my dad to burn away in flames, I did not want to lose his physical presence, and neither did I want him to go the place that we all come from. For that one moment, my heart just sank and I wanted the entire universe to conspire to get him back. The two hours as I sat there, I watched him leave us forever.

All the talks with him started to feel like memories, his daughter was bidding goodbye to her KING and saluting him for leading such a wonderful life with pure values and principles.

The next day made me realize a lot of things the first one definitely being we will all be there without any notice, at the same place. That is the reality of the HUMAN LIFE.

Why so soon? What went wrong last Saturday morning? Why Papa and no one else in this entire world? Did God forget that he was everyone’s favorite, the connector to the whole family? Did he not know that granddad cannot do without his companion or did he forget that mom still wants to go on evening walks with her beloved. How could God be so selfish? How can an individual who is super healthy and fit not be alive the next moment? How did he not give time? Why did all of this happen?

I am trying to be strong and I am trying to hold myself up so I can be there with everybody around. I know each one of us is missing him in our own ways. I know each member of the family is shocked on the incident that has happened. Each one of us want this dream to be over and wish to see him back, hear his voice and see his smile. I am trying to find answers to these why and what till today, but I guess there is no answer at all.
The vicious circle of life is so strange, that we are all trapped in. The more one talks about the theory of life and death, the more complicated it gets. There are many who say that there are “X” amount of breaths that a person has, and nothing in the entire universe can increase that. The karma that one does in their entire life gives results as different deposits in a bank account. The fixed deposit stays with us for the next birth while the short term deposit is what we have in this lifetime. Each one of us know that we have to die one day, but the world wouldn’t be saddened by the death of an individual if they knew when they are going to die and they would do so many things differently. When I say this I don’t mean on the actions of a person, but the expressions, or the last talk or emotions that a person wants to share at the last moment. I might be sounding very self-interested here, but thousands of people who are connected to that one person would definitely agree.

These six days have been the longest time in our life, the longest that we have seen our dad. I know the fact that we will not see him again but we want to deny all of this. I want to remember how his face had that smile when we got him from the hospital on Saturday afternoon like every other day. I would love to keep him here and not let him go in the ghats at Pashupati. The most painful experience was when we did his last rites and let him go in front of us and could not do anything.

With all of this, my dad just went away with a “poof” while doing what he loved the most, and his legacy will always be carried. We as humans should understand the importance of life before it’s too late, express, emote and do what we love doing because there is no extra second in our journey of life.

A morning person, who loves spending time at the garden, has principles and values exactly like his dad, loves home more than anywhere in the world, and is everyone’s favorite. Yes this is a man who had been living his life simply, with a high thinking. This article is dedicated to my first love, my dad, who is a gem of a person.

He was a remarkable individual, and a perfectionist who did each work with precision. His number game was always accurate and he believed that nothing should be wasted. With his love for gardening, we have used old clocks as a show piece, made chairs and seating with the block of wood cut from the tree. He loved experimenting different colors on flower pots and re-positioning the massive garden in two three months.  Visiting the nurseries and getting different saplings was one of his favorite pass times. He knew the exact need and requirement of anything and everything. He would search for stuff if he knew existed around and wouldn’t think the necessity to buy. His logic was simple “We usually have everything with us; we are too lazy to search”.  How did he have the patience to do all of this I wonder?

His humbleness was out of the world and he would not say a “NO” to anything. Getting him to agree what we always wanted was a little tricky but he would finally be in agreement with us. Being his daughter, he always wanted us to take the lead, all started when we went for a family vacation to Hong Kong. He gave me all the tickets and the documents and gave me the responsibility of the trip. Little did I know, he was preparing me to see the world when I was sixteen? He has always left the judgment on us since then for various decisions that we have made in our lives and has always been a support.

His routine was extraordinary, and I bet none of us can beat that. He believed in the theory “Early to bed and early to rise”, and there is always certain time for everything. Family was the most superior element in his life, and the connection between him and mom was with unsaid words which would be understood instantly. His best friend was granddad after mom. He would spend hours talking to granddad, during meals, while going to work, taking care of him, being the strength in his old age. He was his favorite, and I can vouch for him being the favorite son in this entire world.

I can feel his presence everywhere I go. I can feel him walking towards the room, as I write this, and how I wish that would be true. I am still not done nagging you, and I am still not done taking permissions.

This seems like a dream which never seems to get over. We miss you and we need you here!

Dear Popsy,

You were the simplest of all,

Why would God want that fall?

Why would he want you to be next to him?

Why would he take you away, it feels like a dream?

Doesn’t he know granddad needs you each time of the day?

Doesn’t he know mom’s spending hours in her pray?

Doesn’t he realize that this is going to hurt each member?

Or, does he not know that he is going to have less of two sisters?

There was so much to say, so much to let you know,

Every action of yours is being reminded in a row,

We are so blessed that we were always yours,

From daughters born as sons, will always be yours!

-Shikha and Surbhi