Mixed Bag of emotions

I so wished this day of the week (Saturday) would not come again. It’s been a week that I haven’t seen my dad. I did not want to re-picture that day which has already been seven days when it all happened. The morning call from the gate keeper when we rushed to the garden, the hospital, and then getting the news from the doctor that Papa is no more still makes my heart cry. The evenings when we were standing in the ghats on Pashupatinath is etched in my mind.

Every day I feel different, in fact each moment there are varied gush of emotions. I feel his presence so strong knowing that I will never be able to see the physical him, and sometimes I want to deny that he is no more. I know for the fact that he is giving me the strength to express my feelings through words, and the next moment I remember how he would read my published articles that always made him smile. I don’t want to think how it is going to be in our everyday routine when everyone will get back to their own destinations. I do not want to accept that I will never get a call from that one number that is stored in our minds and heart. I do not want to believe that there will be no mails shared to an email address that was on top of my list for anything and everything.

I know that I need to accept the uncertainty of life and take up his responsibilities. I know there are many qualities of his that needs to be adopted and followed. I know he has left us with many memories of his which are uncountable. I know he wants us to be the connector of the family, and take care of everyone. With knowing all of this, I still feel that he is just out for some work and will be back in no time.

I meet so many people throughout the day and they tell me how much love and respect they have for my dad. I listen to them and nod but I still wonder and question the reality on why are they telling me this? I marvel why relatives are flying from all around the world and the aura around the house is full of grief. It strikes me then that all of this is not a dream even if I wish it was. It makes me realize that I am blessed to be his daughter.

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