And, wherever you are, a reflection of yours is always around.

It’s almost a quarter of a year that you haven’t been around, precisely hundred and twenty days that we haven’t seen you. There is not even one moment that I feel that you are not here. There is not even one such time in a day that I don’t remember you. I can feel your presence everywhere I go. I can imagine your reaction to my certain statement and how I miss your spontaneity of anything and everything I wanted, or anyone wanting. How I miss your smallest questions about the simplest of things related to the phone and computer. How I miss sitting by your side and talking about random topics. How I miss you giving me the keys when we would go out driving. How I miss asking for explanations each time, and complaining about the little one in a fun way. How I miss you during each meal, and how I miss preparing the Sunday evening snack. I miss all of it.

Mom says that the destiny is written and nothing on earth could have stopped on what happened. She says if one starts thinking too deep, then it would just shatter each and every one of us. She is the strongest woman that I know in this entire world and I cannot imagine to feel and understand how she reasons out her thoughts. I still have lot of questions on life and still wonder why him out of the many millions in the world. I still haven’t given a proper thought on what happened on the Ghats of Pashupatinath or realized that I am not going to meet Papa again. I have been keeping myself busy in my everyday routine, and there is so much happening. The day I start to believe that I will not see him ever, I know, that I will break down to pieces.  I am not in denial but at the same time I do not want to accept.

There are many people who keep asking me if everyone’s fine at home. There are many who visit us and say that time will heal and how shocked they were when they heard how dad’s heart stopped beating suddenly. There are some who say distracting oneself is the best way to deal in time like these. They are happy to see me get back to my normal routine. There are some who have been a support all this while. With all of this I feel blessed with people being around but at the same time there is never being perfectly fine, there is no healing, and there is no normal. Nothing can overcome the loss of losing Papa, who was the shadow to Grandad.

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